The Secret Agent Club
In 1996 Hulk Hogan had already finished his first run with the World Wrestling Federation and had joined Ted Turner’s World Championship Wrestling. ’96 also saw the release of not one but two feature length films that he received top billing; Santa with Muscles and the subject of today’s post The Secret Agent Club. The DVD cover touts the phrase “True Lies meets Home Alone” I’ve never seen True Lies so I wouldn’t know if this is an accurate description. IMDB says True Lies is about a secret agent who pretends to be a computer salesman. In The Secret Agent Club, Hogan portrays Raymond Chase; Shadow Agent masquerading as a toy shop owner so I guess it’s sort of similar.
The opening credit scene has cool shots of toy weaponry such as the now highly collectible Nerf Crossbow that debuted in 1995. Seriously if I had this exact toy in this condition it’d be worth at least $200-300. These shots are juxtaposed with actual weapons and the film’s laser blaster the plot revolves around.
It opens on some undisclosed location somewhere in Asia probably because the compound has a bunch of Buddha statues on the grounds. It is here we are introduced to the main villain; Eve.
Eve with Laser Blaster
Eve has invited a who’s who of international villains to her compound to auction off a laser blaster that would make anyone who owns it, unstoppable.
Meanwhile Raymond, clad in black ski mask and tactical uniform is infiltrating the base. He uses a pair of weird gloves that absorbs the electricity from a high voltage fence to get onto the grounds proper.
Eve and head henchman Wrecks are seen parading the blaster around the room and use it to obliterate a mannequin.
Once on the compound grounds Raymond runs into a Russian general. He tells the general that he needs to perform a security check. The general says the security here is ridiculous. Raymond with his now electrically charged gloves says that it’s shocking and incapacitates him with the gloves.
He strips the general of his clothes and slips into the showroom dressed as the general just in time to hear the sheik complaining there are many ways to blast a mannequin. Eve proceeds to obliterate one of the guards seen on the compound. The sheik is still not impressed so she blows up his helicopter. She says bidding will start at 10 billion dollars and that the auction will start after dinner.
Raymond sticks around for a closer look at the blaster. He asks Wrecks if his shades are scratch resistant and punches him a whole bunch of times in the face and knocks him out.
Raymond uses a glass of wine to detect trip lasers before stealing the blaster. Upon trying to exit the room he encounters a guard with a gun who he promptly knocks out. Seeing that the hall is full of more guards, he uses the out of commission guard’s turban as an escape rope to the ground. It actually looks like a bunch of turbans tied together but whatever. Upon exiting the window and trying to leave the grounds he runs into Eve who though despite earlier in the movie just calls him general in English is now using Russian to communicate with him instead. I hardly remember any of my college Russian courses but it was Russian. She tries feeling him up and finds the laser blaster and calls for the guards. Raymond makes a mad dash amidst a hail of AK-47 fire and uses the blaster to blast through the fence. Wrecks uses a rifle with a scope to try to shoot him but just manages to blow up the Buddha statues. Raymond runs to the edge of a cliff and dives off before Wrecks and Eve can capture him and he rides off into the distance with some weird water scooter thing.
The movie then shifts to his son Jeremy’s parent/child baseball game. Jeremy is upset that his dad is missing yet another game. It cuts to Raymond, who for some reason still has his general uniform on despite having to fly from wherever in Asia he was, changing while driving with no concern for safety to make it there in time. He pulls in, takes off his hairpiece and mustache and is just regular ol clutzy Raymond.
Jeremy and the umpire played by Brian Knobs of The Nasty Boys
Ray arrives just in time to catch the game winning out and then it’s off to Ray’s Toy Go Round to make a delivery. I think I may have to let Matt Dinosaur Dracula borrow this so he can do his toy store breakdown of all the goodies in the store. I don’t know how Jeremy can be sour going into that place full of awesome toys. The store is run by Mr. Yamata played by James Hong who doesn’t sound Japanese at all. Raymond calls into Shadow to report he has the laser blaster but is informed by General Anderson that he has to stay with the item until a rendezvous at 1400 hrs. Jeremy happens to the blaster but Ray tells him it’s a prototype toy. It’s also made known that Eve and her cronies are in the states and may be onto Chase’s location. From there it’s a mad dash or car ride to nowhere as Chase and Jeremy try to outrun some henchman in police cars. Ray explains that the toy thing is a cutthroat business. There’s some wrecks and explosions and then Wrecks, Evie’s right hand shows up and Jeremy is forced to run but not after Ray gives him a cellular phone and the instruction that he can trust Max Simpson. Wrecks kicks Ray with his metal foot/boot thingy and the henchmen take him away. Wrecks chases after Jeremy who climbs a ladder and uses an inflatable grand opening bear to cushion his fall as he rides it down to the ground. He kicks the ladder to maroon Wrecks and is off to the secret club; an old bunker.
Check out that Godzilla and that Virtual Boy
Coolest Clubhouse ever
Jeremy tries explaining the situation he’s in but his friends are having none of it. He takes them to his house to show them the fake cops but they aren’t there. A mysterious stranger however is seen leaving the house. Upon entering the house Jeremy and gang realize the place has been ransacked. Probably because a rival toy company is trying to find the prototype. After wracking their brains on whether or not Ray has survived they decide that if he had survived he would be at the toy store.
The next scene is Mr. Yamata gathering all the secret Shadow documents to take to a secure location but Wrecks shows up and starts a toystore brawl. We get some good product shots during the fight. I’d really love to catalog everything in the store. Mr. Yamata puts up a valiant effort but Wrecks drops an entire shelf of toys on top of him. The kids show up and notice the store has been messed up as well and while looking in the office are surprised by Yamata’s grandson Shigeo who does have a passable Japanese accent unlike Hong. They notice him under the shelves and it cuts to an abandoned asylum that has been requisitioned by Eve. We are shown a simulation of Jeremy questioning Ray about the location of the weapon being conducted by a scientist who looks an awful lot like the family’s mechanic we had as a kid. It’s explained to Eve that it is a Virtual Reality Simulation that combined with mind altering drugs makes the experience seem very real.
Seriously this guy is our old mechanic’s doppelganger
After realizing the dosage is not enough to get Ray to reveal his secrets the scientist insists that he be able to drill into his brain for direct access. Eve receives a phone call from Wrecks who is outside the toy store where an ambulance has arrived. He informs her, that there were some complicationsand that he doesn’t possess the weapon. After we see Mr. Yamata taken away by the ambulance we finally get introduced properly to Jeremy’s friends.
From Left; Rosalie, her brother Bart, Jeremy, Sly, Forefront is Shigeo
After some awkward bowing and handshakes it’s decided that they better find the ray gun so they can bargain to get Jeremy’s dad back so it’s off to the impound lot. After a quick search they find the car and the secret compartment but Wrecks is also at the impound lot and he’s found the kids. They start the car and back it up as Wrecks has Bart by the throat. Wrecks is thrown off the car and the kids escape mostly unharmed. Well Jeremy loses a shoe. Everyone thanks Shigeo who replies Dōitashimashite which the kids hear as don’t touch the mustache. Apparently it’s Japanese for you’re welcome. After a quick minute’s respite Wrecks shows up hot on their trail. Sly asks for the gun and tells them to meet him at the clubhouse in an hour. After hitting the ramp in the alley and causing Wrecks to well wreck. The kids are on their way to safety when a white van pulls off with a man who tells them to get inside. He shoots at Wrecks and the kids hop in the van. Turns out the guy who rescues them is Max Simpson he takes them to a safe house and wows them all with some magic tricks, it’s all smoke and coins and stuff.
After a little ala-ka-zazzle. It’s back to the asylum. Where this time the VR Simulation is Jeremy at his mother’s grave. He tells Ray it’s all his fault and that she died of loneliness but he’ll forgive him if he just tells him where the weapon is. It’s still not working and the scientist asks to drill into Ray’s brain again. Eve tells him to crank it to maximum.
Cut back to the safe house with Max who explains that Ray owns the toy store as cover and actually is an agent for Shadow, along with Max himself, and Mr. Yamata. After finding out that Sly has the weapon, Shigeo and Max leave to make phone calls.
In the laboratory the scientist tells Ray that he is going to be his greatest creation ever and he better not be faking. He totally is and escapes from the scientist. He calls in to Jeremy on his watch which is actually a phone but he is caught by a cage triggered by a sensor. Eve answers the phone and lets Jeremy know that if she doesn’t have the weapon in 2 hrs they are going to drill into his father’s brain. After the phone call the mysterious stranger breaks in the door and says that he has been looking for the kids. They think he’s the bad guy and Shigeo kicks the crap out of him. They tie him up with all the electrical wires in the house. Shigeo insists on seeing his grandfather and the kids let him know they’ll leave a message on the computer if they need him.
Back in the bunker Sly who happens to a master hacker or some stuff is trying to access the Shadow Network. He does and they find all about Raymond Chase’s history as an agent. Jeremy is upset that his dad never told him the truth. Rosalie explains that it’s kinda like Clark Kent not telling Louis he’s superman to protect her. Meanwhile Sly is looking up Max’s dossier. As it’s loading it’s noticed he’s already outside the bunker. After some quick chit chat Max asks Sly where the weapon is and they’re all off to get it but in the bunker it’s revealed…
That the mysterious stranger is actually Max and that they are in fact with a bad guy but they don’t know that yet.
However when the van opens, Wrecks inside and the kids know they’ve been had. After a short drive to a “nice neighborhood” it’s revealed that Sly has an in with a local gang and the gun is definitely safe. This catches the bad guy Scarletti and Wrecks off guard but not for long because Scarletti uses his magic or whatever to get the gun and hold Jeremy at gunpoint. Jeremy gets loose and hides in front of a mirror when Scarletti blasts the laser it bounces in the mirror and…
Bam! Swiss cheese. I found this to be especially odd since everyone previously blasted with the laser just broke into a billion pieces.
The kids escape and decide to rescue Ray themselves and to leave Shigeo a message to meet them at Ray’s Toy ground in a half hour protected by a password. The kids arrive at the toy store and choose their weapons. Which means more product placement!
A few of the weapons the kids choose. A rocket launcher, some Gak, a realistic water pistol, and some caps.
Shigeo shows up but reveals he didn’t delete the message. Sly says it’s not a problem as it’s encoded. We cut to Shadow operating base somewhere on a ship where a crew is trying to hack into the clubhouse computer to no avail. The Password hint is thank you Shigeo San but apparently it takes a lot longer to crack then it took Sly to hack into Shadow’s network which is a whole bunch of what. The general explains that it’s a highly unusual pass code.
In the laboratory Ray is once again hooked up to the VR unit while Eve impatiently waits for results and Wrecks comes in all angry.
Outside the asylum the kids are geared up for an infiltration.
The gang decides there is only one thing to do dig.
While the kids are busy running around the asylum grounds, Shadow finally cracks the pass code; don’t touch the mustache, which Max instantly recognizes as Japanese for you’re welcome, sort of. The kids realize the doors are locked and voice encoded and Shadow finally knows Ray is being held at the asylum and they mobilize.
Meanwhile the gang is using Teddy Ruxpin to gain entry into the asylum
The two hours are up so it’s time to get to drilling for Wrecks and scientist dude. Rosalie sets up a slip and slide for fast escape and Shigeo uses a yo-yo to knock out a guard. After seeing Ray about to get drilled in the head the gang comes up with a plan.
Let off a roll strip of caps and break in and tell everyone don’t move.
Ray doesn’t like that Jeremy has come for him but sure is glad he did.
After taking Sly’s gun and ordering Wrecks to give him his weapon they squirt him in the face because surprise it’s a water pistol. Unfortunately Eve shows up with a pistol and disarms everyone. Rosalie busts in and fires a foam rocket at the scientist’s head and Ray disarms Eve amidst the distracton and a scuffle breaks out between him and Wrecks. It ends with a slinky to Wrecks’ boot connected to a generator that electrocutes him and Shadow starts moving in on the asylum.
Eve has escaped and has issued an alarm meaning all the cronies are headed into the asylum on red alert. While escaping through a stairwell Bart sets up some marbles to trip the guards. This must be where the home alone comparison comes in. After climbing the stairs to the roof and silly stringing and gak’ng some guards faces followed by a few strikes and kicks by Ray and Shigeo and some funny foam to trip up a guard comng up the stairway the gang gives Ray the blaster and he blasts the stairway that has filled with more guards. Eve says there is no way off the roof so Ray starts blowing up vehicles and guards with the laser blaster. After dispatching a large portion of the grounds forces it’s down the stairs and into the main lobby. Unfortunately Eve gets the drop on Jeremy.
She demands Ray hand over the weapon or she’ll kill the boy. Ray flips a switch on the blaster and the switch is made. Eve attempts to use the blaster but it is disabled after a swift kick to the blaster by Ray the gang is off running from a barrage of arms fire towards the fence as Shadow closes in. The ground forces see that Shadow has arrived and runs away. Rosalie gives the slip and slide a blast from her super soaker and the gang slides to safety.
Shadow comes in and Ray asks them what took so long and tells them Eve still has the weapon but only for about 30 seconds. As Eve is upset and running around the asylum she realizes to late that the blaster is set to self destruct.
She gets trapped by one of her own cage traps and Shadow says to get the kids outta there because the blaster is set to self destruct.
It’s too late for Eve though.
The movie ends with the kids earning the intelligence cross or some nonsense. All in all it’s a fun family action movie and I’d give it a 3 out of stars.
Stick around for the credits hip hop song that basically summarizes the plot a lot quicker than I did. Thanks for reading nearly 3,000 words about a movie Hulk Hogan was in.
Wrestling With Film 